Frank’s Chili Contest

Things have ben a little serious with my last few post. Thought I might add a little humor today.

I cleaned this up just a little in order not to offend any one.

Hope you have  a good day and a good laugh. We can always use a good laugh.

ggs

CHILI CONTEST:

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey…

“Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the at last minute and l happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event.”

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato yet it does have an amusing kick.
 

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, yet very mild.
 

FRANK: What is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. It took me two beers to extinguish the flames. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
 

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

 Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
 

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
 

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I’m getting drunk.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb honey is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

 

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

 

Frank: seous, sulphuric, flammable. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like something that  matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided too stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending… this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.

 FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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