HOW WEIRD WE TALK

All right, I will be the first to say I slaughter the English language. I will also admit my grammar is most likely some of the worse of any blog you might happen across.

Still with that said, allow me to try to defend myself.

English is a stupid language. I mean taking everything into consideration I say that I don’t do too bad.

Below are twenty different examples that I have to put up with everyday in order to entertain you my wonderful readers.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line..

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

If all that wasn’t bad enough may I point out a few other basic flaws in our language that makes no sense to any one other than us

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? You have one goose, 2 geese; so one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’

I have a Yankee friend that laughs at almost every thing that comes out of my mouth. The one that she finds the most funny is when I say.

“Cut those lights off.” Cut turn, switch what difference does it make?

Once I was in New England and I stopped at a Taco Bell because I actually wanted to taste something. Any thing that wasn’t boiled and maybe had just a little pepper on it.

Any way by the time I had left ever kid in the place was saying, “Order that one more time Mr. We just love how you talk.

Before leaving, I invited all them down to the house to set on the front porch and drink sweet tea.

One girl asks me how long it took me to learn to talk that way.

Yankees, you gotta love them.

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Explore posts in the same categories: April 2010, curious, humor, stories

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2 Comments on “HOW WEIRD WE TALK”


  1. […] wrong? (The spell check suggestions were wider, wield, wired) This fine spring morning, there is a feature, on another blog, about the weird of the king’s english. Through the miracle of copy paste, […]


  2. […] facility recently printed some commentary on the english language, courtesy of Gartalker. Here is part two, not to be confused with number two. Weird is spelled correctly…you […]


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